My mind is whirling. I want to cry and scream but I cannot even afford that I want the clock to stop the world to stop so my tayce and I can be free Please clocks please STOP.
Sometimes it feels like the world is caving in on you. But please remember how much you have survived in your life - and you thrived. I know you will again. I have every faith in you.
Lady Effie, I can't stop crying. I can't afford this. what I should be doing is printing pictures and giving them away.Thank you. I need all the prayers and positive vibes I can have my way. I wrote the below to one of my mentors at Flickrs and it illustrates the most how I truly feel. I'm a disappointment and a failure.
----------- I'm meeting with my ex boyfriend who is the original owner of Stacey. I'm getting very emotional coz I met one lady yesterday that told me if I'm giving her away for adoption. I should not see her anymore. She should love her new owner more than me, she's better off not seeing or hearing from me.
It's finally sinking in that life as I know it ends. I'm breaking up my family. No apartment will take in a single mom with three dogs. My landlord will not put up with our population explosion anymore, one dog is already too much for them.
I haven't told anyone, what I really want. I'll tell you. I don't want anyone. I don't even want to live with my daughter anymore, i only want Stacey but the world expects me to not let go of her mommy Buffy who is now nine years old and to value living with my daughter more than anything but the truth is I only want my Stacey. I'd rather live on the streets than to let her go. I'm seriously thinking of that right now.
I'm so afraid to see my ex, I was hoping I wouldn't have to go to him. I was hoping I'll find someone nearby. I don't know how he has matured but I really am ashamed. He's a surgeon, he just cellmailed me now. He built a lodging home. He likes the elderly and was a grandpa's pet. His late grandpa was the governor of his province, Shikoku. He's, a firstborn of a family of doctors and lawyers. Long story bad break up. I dumped coffee on him at Starbucks, the police came coz he was forcing me to his car. it was a scandal.
I need lots of prayers
------------ Will my agent come @my door and give me my outsanding fees? Will a lawyer come at my door to tell me someone died and i own an apartment? See? I'm going crazy. I can't do this.
I guess our dogs become part of our family as I see it and it`s alway hard of letting them go. I had to let my dog to rest cause he got cancer and grown a tumor. The vet removed the tumor and the bad part is it grew back again bigger and faster and there was no choice but to put her down. I held my dog in my arms as they gave the injection and could feel how her pulse got stronger and then just stopped. I felt like a murderer but everyone was saying it was the best thing for her.
I since then I had 2 new dogs after that and they bring new joy into my life so there is light after the tunnel after all. So don`t worry Moda , all will be well in the end.....don`t throw in the towel yet.
You have my prayers so take those prayers I put up to God/Christ and put faith in knowing that you are a child of God whom he loves very much and longs to you trust him and put your faith in him that no matter what comes, he is there with you - you are never alone. He can make a way when there seems to be no way. He has done this for me and I know he can do it for you too my friend.
May the love of God give your soul peace and your mind sound knowledge of what you need to do next and may he help you find favor with those who need to help you make those next steps.
I might meet my ex. The real owner of Stacey. How do you ask for help from someone you dumped coffee on to in front of the most crowded Starbuck's in Tokyo? I'm ashamed. How do I know he's not still mad at me? How do I know he will not take it out on her? If only I can just give her to one of you.
i'm hoping it goes well. keep hoping. as for taking on another critter .... well ... i rent a small place too and am at my max quota of 1 dog already. besides the taxi fare across the pacific is a bit high right now, no discounts for puppies. have they set a deadline for you?
You are not a failure. Never say that! You are a remarkable woman who is falling on difficult times - just like so many other people. I live from month to month not sure if I can pay my rent. Stressful? Yes. But it doesn't make us failures. . .
thye should be out of here this month. I asked for till first week of March. I think they understood. I distress myself with dark imaginings, what if i didn't find a place for her and the deadline is there. The only way to go is the city and she will be put to sleep after 1 week if no one finds her and gives her a home. She is one healthy bouncing baby canine. Do they put to sleep such a beautiful creature?
I need to go for a run and retihnk my priorities. Like i said what I really want is to throw everything and everyone away I just want her, my baby Stacey.
The boy Kuma can go to my daughter'S ex bf, Buffy goes with her, my daughter. I can't let Stacey be put to sleep even if I have to go homeless. I need to search my soul more.
I talked ot my ex and immediately he was like hinting sex, EW! So will I prostitute myself so Stacey lives is the question. will i thorow away my concept of not moving my daughter till her big 20th birthday and save Stacey? get a loan and get a new apartment for the two of us? My daughter can stay here for as long as she likes if she gets a roommate, that is one solution.
I need about 5 grand to get a new apartment. that kind of money forhow many times fold I should have if I listened to Ted since 2005 to save .
The question is how much was my credit card bills for 10 years. yeah, i could afford an apartment, acquired not rented.
OUCH ... getting in debt is NOT the solution, getting in bed is even worse. 8o
friends, relatives - anybody who will take your dog for just a few months while you search for a satisfactory new home for stacey. i've been there, was 'cat-sitting' for 6 months for my niece while she got her life back together. temporary solution paid off.
know anybody who will keep stacey for a couple months with your absolute promise you are finding a new owner and paying (and shopping) for all the dog's needs until then?
The boy was easy to adopt out coz he's neutered We opted to not have Stacey operated on coz with a female canine it's harder to recuperate since it7s a bigger operation and we couldn't deal with that back then.
Sometimes what seems to be the easiest solution actually makes you pay with your life/dignity/honor instead and it costs dearly for a longer time. His suggestion is a good one. Be strong Moda - Have Faith in a greater good and yourself. I am praying and hoping for you to find the way thru this mess and I know others are doing the same.
I know this is hard with all the changes and your daughter needing to find her own life too. That has a huge impact on how you see yourself and who you are. It can fell like a divorce yet no one is angry with each other in that way. It is scary to let go because they are so much a part of who you are and yet you need the space too now after 19 yrs or so. It is time for baby bird to learn to fly and mama to discover who she is and what she wants (almost like you are starting over too).
In this new time - it is time to par down and simplify so that you can build your life again solo. It is a big change that can take 2 yrs to get use to.
That's why I stick to my sense of morality and am grateful for all encounters that shaped who I am. Thank you for being here Alice, you keep me real.
Everyone, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you all, even those who don't comment and peek in for how many times. Friends of Friends even.
I'm thankful to all your well wishes and prayers, because of you i feel we are so blessed to have found adoptive homes for my furbabies. There is a hole left in my heart, a big hole and a big confusion. I'm crying too hard but I'll snap out of it . I promise.
On a brighter note, neither Stacey's nor Oz's family called, that means they survived the night and probably way more comfortable in their new homes than this. We are deeply attached to each one of us, now we prove that we have LOVE that we need to accept that we're all better living separately. Love will always be there. It hurts so much that they're not here. I feel like a big failure to have given my babies away but I'll try my best. I swear to myself. I'm stronger than this. I am rational, can compartmentalize and way stronger than this.
I remember how difficult it was last summer when I had to give away all but one of my cats. I feel what you're going thru, even tho the ex situation is not included in what I had to go through, I had to be thankful about finding good people to take care of them. I had to feel guilty about putting my #1 cat before my husband (how does that work?... well, it's still that my husband is 100s of miles away & I am glad my cat & I are together).
The thing is, I feel I will always miss those other cats, I will always feel badly about the one who ran away. I felt I was in a desperate situation in which I had to transcend from (well duh, because I was!) I had to do what I had to do, but that didnt make it any easier. Add to it that I am still feeling like I have been misplaced into an alternate universe and that some other woman is living the life that I should be in: this part of my mindscape may hopefully make me the millions that she is bound to inherit, just because it's helped the creative juices within me that I use for the childrens' books I one day want to publish. (It just get's worse, that woman that's living my life has already published childrens' books. I'm just thankful they are not on the same level of my ideas).
Moda, I apologize, I am crying my blues all in the middle of your puddle of tears. I keep on praying for you & keep on looking to see some better news coming from your direction.
Just remember, Dat-dat-dat-dat don't kill you, can only make you stronger!
Story of my life. Get? Moda did not get this strong out of nothing, although my mom said I've shown assertiveness way before I was born. I would kick her on one side and poke her on the other and she will yel@meinside her stomach and I'll do it again, she said.
When I was being delivered, I just came out on my own haha, she said she didn't have to try and ease me out or anything. when the water broke, I went right after it. As if I was rushing to experience life.
I'm sorry. I didn't know you experienced a similar situation. SO you know exactly how i feel. Now the two younger ones are very happy and pampered where they are. They both live in houses not apartments. The princess is so spoiled, it's so funny what her new mom tells me. She goes inside the futon before them and they sleep with her . They're even so grateful I gave Stacey to them saying she really is so adorable. I'm happy for them but sad for me and my daughter. We really miss them a lot and feel like there is a hole permanently left in our hearts. I better go out before i cry. I'm going for legal consultation.
Hey Bebekas nice to hear from,sorry li'l bit busy right now,but you'll be in prayer as well as my niece. God bless you and Rina as well as everybody in your turf. I'll catch you later. Love You and Rina...
My mind is whirling.
Hi Colline. I will be very dark for the next days.
ReplyDeleteHi Moda , that`s not good. Hope all will be well on your side and the light will be shining on you :-)
ReplyDeleteMy dear Moda,
ReplyDeleteSometimes it feels like the world is caving in on you. But please remember how much you have survived in your life - and you thrived. I know you will again. I have every faith in you.
Sending warm thoughts your way. {{{hugs}}}
Lady Effie, I can't stop crying. I can't afford this. what I should be doing is printing pictures and giving them away.Thank you. I need all the prayers and positive vibes I can have my way.
ReplyDeleteI wrote the below to one of my mentors at Flickrs and it illustrates the most how I truly feel.
I'm a disappointment and a failure.
-----------
I'm meeting with my ex boyfriend who is the original owner of Stacey. I'm getting very emotional coz I met one lady yesterday that told me if I'm giving her away for adoption. I should not see her anymore. She should love her new owner more than me, she's better off not seeing or hearing from me.
It's finally sinking in that life as I know it ends. I'm breaking up my family. No apartment will take in a single mom with three dogs. My landlord will not put up with our population explosion anymore, one dog is already too much for them.
I haven't told anyone, what I really want. I'll tell you. I don't want anyone. I don't even want to live with my daughter anymore, i only want Stacey but the world expects me to not let go of her mommy Buffy who is now nine years old and to value living with my daughter more than anything but the truth is I only want my Stacey. I'd rather live on the streets than to let her go. I'm seriously thinking of that right now.
I'm so afraid to see my ex, I was hoping I wouldn't have to go to him. I was hoping I'll find someone nearby. I don't know how he has matured but I really am ashamed. He's a surgeon, he just cellmailed me now. He built a lodging home. He likes the elderly and was a grandpa's pet. His late grandpa was the governor of his province, Shikoku. He's, a firstborn of a family of doctors and lawyers. Long story bad break up. I dumped coffee on him at Starbucks, the police came coz he was forcing me to his car. it was a scandal.
I need lots of prayers
------------
Will my agent come @my door and give me my outsanding fees? Will a lawyer come at my door to tell me someone died and i own an apartment? See? I'm going crazy.
I can't do this.
I guess our dogs become part of our family as I see it and it`s alway hard of letting them go. I had to let my dog to rest cause he got cancer and grown a tumor. The vet removed the tumor and the bad part is it grew back again bigger and faster and there was no choice but to put her down. I held my dog in my arms as they gave the injection and could feel how her pulse got stronger and then just stopped. I felt like a murderer but everyone was saying it was the best thing for her.
ReplyDeleteI since then I had 2 new dogs after that and they bring new joy into my life so there is light after the tunnel after all. So don`t worry Moda , all will be well in the end.....don`t throw in the towel yet.
You have my prayers so take those prayers I put up to God/Christ and put faith in knowing that you are a child of God whom he loves very much and longs to you trust him and put your faith in him that no matter what comes, he is there with you - you are never alone. He can make a way when there seems to be no way. He has done this for me and I know he can do it for you too my friend.
ReplyDeleteMay the love of God give your soul peace and your mind sound knowledge of what you need to do next and may he help you find favor with those who need to help you make those next steps.
Big hugs from someone who is too far away.
I have no words to say but just so you know your faith is contagious.
ReplyDeleteIf we don't believe in anything. What are we gonna do in times of helplessness. You help me a lot.
big hugs*
:-(
ReplyDeletecertainly not our favorite moment
you do what you have to do
when you are done you know we will be here
for you
waiting.
strength to you.
:-(
hugs*
ReplyDeleteI might meet my ex. The real owner of Stacey. How do you ask for help from someone you dumped coffee on to in front of the most crowded Starbuck's in Tokyo? I'm ashamed. How do I know he's not still mad at me? How do I know he will not take it out on her? If only I can just give her to one of you.
I'm very sorry to read about your troubles. My thoughts are with you Moda.
ReplyDeleteThank you Ted, that means a lot. I need all the positive vibes i can get right now.
ReplyDeletenote: If you click the banner I need a miracle, you can get to my new Flickr account.
i'm hoping it goes well. keep hoping.
ReplyDeleteas for taking on another critter .... well ... i rent a small place too and am at my max quota of 1 dog already. besides the taxi fare across the pacific is a bit high right now, no discounts for puppies.
have they set a deadline for you?
You are not a failure. Never say that! You are a remarkable woman who is falling on difficult times - just like so many other people. I live from month to month not sure if I can pay my rent. Stressful? Yes. But it doesn't make us failures. . .
ReplyDeletethye should be out of here this month. I asked for till first week of March. I think they understood. I distress myself with dark imaginings, what if i didn't find a place for her and the deadline is there. The only way to go is the city and she will be put to sleep after 1 week if no one finds her and gives her a home. She is one healthy bouncing baby canine. Do they put to sleep such a beautiful creature?
ReplyDeleteI need to go for a run and retihnk my priorities. Like i said what I really want is to throw everything and everyone away I just want her, my baby Stacey.
The boy Kuma can go to my daughter'S ex bf, Buffy goes with her, my daughter. I can't let Stacey be put to sleep even if I have to go homeless. I need to search my soul more.
I talked ot my ex and immediately he was like hinting sex, EW!
So will I prostitute myself so Stacey lives is the question.
will i thorow away my concept of not moving my daughter till her big 20th birthday and save Stacey?
get a loan and get a new apartment for the two of us? My daughter can stay here for as long as she likes if she gets a roommate, that is one solution.
I need about 5 grand to get a new apartment.
that kind of money forhow many times fold I should have if I listened to Ted since 2005 to save .
The question is how much was my credit card bills for 10 years. yeah, i could afford an apartment, acquired not rented.
thanks for the taxi fare accross the globe thingy, made me chuckle.
ReplyDelete{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}} Thinking positive thoughts for you.
ReplyDeletelove you, GT.
ReplyDeleteLove you too Moda! <3
ReplyDeleteOUCH ... getting in debt is NOT the solution, getting in bed is even worse. 8o
ReplyDeletefriends, relatives - anybody who will take your dog for just a few months while you search for a satisfactory new home for stacey. i've been there, was 'cat-sitting' for 6 months for my niece while she got her life back together. temporary solution paid off.
know anybody who will keep stacey for a couple months with your absolute promise you are finding a new owner and paying (and shopping) for all the dog's needs until then?
That's what I'm looking for now.
ReplyDeleteThe boy was easy to adopt out coz he's neutered We opted to not have Stacey operated on coz with a female canine it's harder to recuperate since it7s a bigger operation and we couldn't deal with that back then.
How true Realitycheck!!!!!
ReplyDeleteSometimes what seems to be the easiest solution actually makes you pay with your life/dignity/honor instead and it costs dearly for a longer time. His suggestion is a good one. Be strong Moda - Have Faith in a greater good and yourself. I am praying and hoping for you to find the way thru this mess and I know others are doing the same.
I know this is hard with all the changes and your daughter needing to find her own life too. That has a huge impact on how you see yourself and who you are. It can fell like a divorce yet no one is angry with each other in that way. It is scary to let go because they are so much a part of who you are and yet you need the space too now after 19 yrs or so. It is time for baby bird to learn to fly and mama to discover who she is and what she wants (almost like you are starting over too).
In this new time - it is time to par down and simplify so that you can build your life again solo. It is a big change that can take 2 yrs to get use to.
That's why I stick to my sense of morality and am grateful for all encounters that shaped who I am. Thank you for being here Alice, you keep me real.
ReplyDeleteEveryone, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you all, even those who don't comment and peek in for how many times. Friends of Friends even.
I'm thankful to all your well wishes and prayers, because of you i feel we are so blessed to have found adoptive homes for my furbabies. There is a hole left in my heart, a big hole and a big confusion. I'm crying too hard but I'll snap out of it . I promise.
On a brighter note, neither Stacey's nor Oz's family called, that means they survived the night and probably way more comfortable in their new homes than this.
We are deeply attached to each one of us, now we prove that we have LOVE that we need to accept that we're all better living separately. Love will always be there. It hurts so much that they're not here. I feel like a big failure to have given my babies away but I'll try my best. I swear to myself. I'm stronger than this. I am rational, can compartmentalize and way stronger than this.
Thank you all very much, big hugs*
I remember how difficult it was last summer when I had to give away all but one of my cats. I feel what you're going thru, even tho the ex situation is not included in what I had to go through, I had to be thankful about finding good people to take care of them. I had to feel guilty about putting my #1 cat before my husband (how does that work?... well, it's still that my husband is 100s of miles away & I am glad my cat & I are together).
ReplyDeleteThe thing is, I feel I will always miss those other cats, I will always feel badly about the one who ran away. I felt I was in a desperate situation in which I had to transcend from (well duh, because I was!) I had to do what I had to do, but that didnt make it any easier. Add to it that I am still feeling like I have been misplaced into an alternate universe and that some other woman is living the life that I should be in: this part of my mindscape may hopefully make me the millions that she is bound to inherit, just because it's helped the creative juices within me that I use for the childrens' books I one day want to publish. (It just get's worse, that woman that's living my life has already published childrens' books. I'm just thankful they are not on the same level of my ideas).
Moda, I apologize, I am crying my blues all in the middle of your puddle of tears. I keep on praying for you & keep on looking to see some better news coming from your direction.
Just remember, Dat-dat-dat-dat don't kill you, can only make you stronger!
Story of my life.
ReplyDeleteGet? Moda did not get this strong out of nothing, although my mom said I've shown assertiveness way before I was born. I would kick her on one side and poke her on the other and she will yel@meinside her stomach and I'll do it again, she said.
When I was being delivered, I just came out on my own haha, she said she didn't have to try and ease me out or anything. when the water broke, I went right after it. As if I was rushing to experience life.
I'm sorry. I didn't know you experienced a similar situation. SO you know exactly how i feel. Now the two younger ones are very happy and pampered where they are. They both live in houses not apartments. The princess is so spoiled, it's so funny what her new mom tells me. She goes inside the futon before them and they sleep with her . They're even so grateful I gave Stacey to them saying she really is so adorable. I'm happy for them but sad for me and my daughter. We really miss them a lot and feel like there is a hole permanently left in our hearts. I better go out before i cry. I'm going for legal consultation.
I't's been a long time I'll catch up TC and Rina too GBU...
ReplyDeleteThis has be solved and we are very happpy where we moved, big couz/ I can7t believe where I was 4 months ago. I mean my emotional state and all.
ReplyDeleteWe're good.
Hey Bebekas nice to hear from,sorry li'l bit busy right now,but you'll be in prayer as well as my niece.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you and Rina as well as everybody in your turf.
I'll catch you later.
Love You and Rina...
Wow, I can't imagine myself those days. I'm really very happy now and so with everyone in my little family.
ReplyDeleteThank you everyone for all the positive vibes.
big hugs*